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帶著回憶,重走加州1號公路

California’s Highway 1, With Memory Riding Shotgun
帶著回憶,重走加州1號公路

There’s a picture of me from the early ’90s: I’m 13, leaning against the railing of the Golden Gate Bridge, peering down into the water below. I look somber, possibly because my father had shared on approach to the landmark that it was, at least then, the most popular bridge in the world to jump off. Or maybe it was some other reason.

我有一張90年代早期拍的照片:13歲的我靠著金門大橋的欄桿,看著下面的海水。我看起來很消沉,可能是因為我爸告訴我這個地標是全世界最流行的跳橋自殺地(至少當時如此)。也可能是其他原因。

I was definitely freezing, my long legs in jean shorts exposed to the summer San Francisco air, which manages to look cold even in the photo. I would remember the unrelenting windy unpleasantness of that first trip to the city often after I moved to it more than a decade later, walking from work past tourists by the hundreds who were similarly underdressed, unable to fathom that there could be inclement weather in California.

我當時肯定冷死了,一雙穿著牛仔短褲的長腿暴露在舊金山的夏日空氣中,即使是在照片上,看起來也很冷。十幾年后,在我搬到這座城市后,下班走過成百上千和我當時穿得差不多、不明白加州為何會有寒冷天氣的游客時,我依然記得當時第一次來這里時一直刮風的不愉快。

That was the final stop on that family vacation, which was the first time I encountered the state, but it wasn’t the first discomfort during our trip. We’d gotten to the Bay Area via State Route 1, the epic and winding coastal road also known as Highway 1, my sister and I nauseated in the back seat and my mother panicking in the front as we took turns along cliff edges too fast. We had started in Los Angeles, where we had flown from Cleveland and stayed a night, we kids left at the motel while my parents went out. In the faraway unfamiliar city, noises through a door that opened directly to the outside, we were terrified.

那是全家度假的最后一站,是我第一次來這個州,但并不是我們那次旅行中第一次出現不適感。我們通過一號州道來到了灣區,一號州道這個漫長又蜿蜒曲折的海岸公路也叫1號公路,當我們沿著懸崖邊的路轉彎太快時,我的姐妹和我在后座上感到惡心想吐,我媽在前排驚慌失措。我們是從洛杉磯開始出發的,此前從克利夫蘭坐飛機到洛杉磯,住了一晚。父母出門時,我們這些孩子就被留在汽車旅館房間里。在一個離家遙遠、陌生的城市,有聲音從門外傳來,而這道門可以打開直接通向外面,我們嚇得夠嗆。

It wasn’t that I was looking to reclaim the highway, or the state, when I embarked on the trip in the opposite direction from my home in Oakland last month. I didn’t have a strict agenda. I was open, as one needs to be here, to where I would end up.

當我上個月從奧克蘭的家里出發,以相反方向開始這趟旅程時,我不是想要重走這條高速公路,也不是想重游一次加州。我沒有明確計劃。我對此行的終點持開放態度,在這里的人需要這種態度。

I LEFT MY HOUSE IN THE CRISP, invigorating East Bay morning, elegant hills and gentrification shrouded in fog or wildfire smoke or both — usually, recently, both — and headed toward a bridge to the San Francisco peninsula, instantly sighing and celebrating. The city by the bay turns to bucolic beach town in about 15 minutes along the 1, as the ocean rolls into view on your right and cityscape empties out, and soon, you are in Pacifica, a seaside outpost that feels both remote and right down the street.

我在一個清新、活躍的東灣早晨離開了家,優美山脈和士紳化街區被籠罩在濃霧或是山火的煙霧里,或者是兩者皆有——近來一般是兩者皆有——前往一個通往舊金山半島的大橋,我在嘆氣的同時又感到歡欣鼓舞。沿著1號公路開了差不多15分鐘,這座海灣邊的城市就變成了帶著鄉間風情的海濱小鎮,右手邊大海漸漸映入眼簾,都市風光沒了。很快,你就到了帕西菲,這是一個海邊的偏遠城市,給人感覺又偏僻,又不是很遙遠。

But this time, I skipped Pacifica for a new (to me) stop, in Pescadero, 30 miles farther south. I pulled away from the water and into the tiny town, wandering the main road waiting for Duarte’s, its 124-year-old tavern and restaurant, to open for lunch. The coffee shop across the street was playing a weird old movie in a nine-seat theater tucked in the back. Arcangeli, a grocery store and deli a block down, sells fresh-baked cookies bigger than my face, and I ate one.

但這一次,我跳過了帕西菲卡,再向南30英里來到新的(對我來說)一站——佩斯卡德羅。我遠離大海,進到了小鎮里,在主街上等著擁有124年歷史的小酒館兼餐館Duarte’s開門,我好去吃午餐。街對面的咖啡店的后面塞下了一個有九個座位的小電影院,里面放著一部奇怪的老電影。一個街區以外的百貨店兼熟食店Arcangeli賣的新出爐的曲奇比我臉還大,我吃了一個。

When I did finally walk into Duarte’s, which I never would have done if a friend hadn’t tipped me off, I ordered a swirl of the cream of artichoke and cream of green chile soups. It’s not on the menu — I was additionally tipped off just that morning by the same friend. This stretch of coast is frequently, as it was that day, hugged by chilly overcast, and I heard every local around me order the same. The sourdough bread from a bakery a bit north in Half Moon Bay that the restaurant serves hot was as good as any I’ve had on Fisherman’s Wharf.

當我終于走進Duarte’s(要不是有朋友介紹,我是不會來這里的)時,我點了一大堆洋薊奶油濃湯和綠咖喱。這道菜不在菜單上——這也是那個朋友在那天上午透露給我的。和那天一樣,這一段海岸線往往陰云密布,略有涼意,我聽到周圍的每個當地人都點了一樣的菜。這家餐館供應的酸面團面包來自于半月灣北邊一點的一家面包房,不比我在Fisherman’s Wharf吃過的任何一款差。

紐約時報中英文網 http://www.gwbyzx.live/

There’s a goat dairy in town, with a tasting shop. Eight miles south, there’s Pigeon Point, one of the West Coast’s tallest lighthouses. There’s the famous old-timey, roller-coaster-and-arcade-studded boardwalk at Santa Cruz 30 miles past that, and plentiful beaches and parks along the way. I opted for turning off the 1 at Davenport Beach, its own bakery and roadhouse looking exploration-worthy for another time, and headed up to Big Basin Redwoods State Park, California’s oldest state park, because I had never been there, either.

鎮子里還有一個羊奶場,里面有試吃店。往南八英里有鴿子岬(Pigeon Point),西海岸最高的燈塔之一。再過去30英里,有著名、充滿懷舊感覺的圣克魯茲海灘游樂場,木板路邊有許多過山車和街機,一路上還有不少海灘和公園。我選擇在達文波特海灘下1號公路,決定把這里的看起來值得探索的面包房和酒吧留給下一次,前往加州最古老的州立公園大盆地紅木州立公園(Big Basin Redwoods State Park),因為我也從沒去過那里。

I wound my car back to the ocean and rejoined the road alongside it, eyeing the options that arose: Moss Landing, with whale- and dolphin-watching boats. Monterey, of course, where my parents took us to the elaborate aquarium. Carmel-by-the-Sea, where I have only a vague memory of a street full of shops so fancy I couldn’t even really understand them. I continued straight to Big Sur.

我把車繞回到海邊,重新開上沿海公路,一邊打量著隨之而來的選項:莫斯蘭丁(Moss Landing),可以乘船觀看鯨魚和海豚;當然還有蒙特利,父母帶我們去精美水族館的地方;卡梅爾小鎮(Carmel-by-the-Sea),那里我只依稀記得一條街上滿是店鋪,花哨到我甚至無法全然理解。我徑直朝著大蘇爾(Big Sur)走去。

Big Sur. The sound of it, even; the brevity and weight of both words. A road between rock faces, one side rising up and one sheer down — amid a cloudscape, it looks like, when the fog hangs low over the water and it seems like you’re driving above the sky. Or, when the haze is thinner, and blurs the line between water and air on the horizon, like you’re driving next to infinity.

大蘇爾。就沖它的發音,詞語兩部分的簡潔與厚重。一條路在巖壁之間延伸,一側向上攀升,另一側陡直向下——在云景之間。當霧低懸水面,它看上去好似你正行駛在天空之上。或者,當霧變薄,模糊了海平面上水氣的界限,又好似你正在駛向無極。

Tucked among trees on the landside is Deetjen’s, a 1930s-era National Register of Historic Places-designated inn, a rambling collection of dark-wood structures with thin walls and entirely varying rooms inside. The map of the property that guests are given at check-in lives in a frame in my house, from one of several stays; the room I booked this time had a shared hall bath, a twin bed and a kitchen sink. After dinner in the restaurant, I lay down and read one of the room journals that guests are invited to write in. A recent entry was from an elderly man on the precipice of a “scary and exciting” move alone to a new state, where he said he had no context. He also said that he left a joint in the teapot. I looked up and saw it sitting on a ledge. When I opened it, it was stuffed full of wishes written on scraps of paper.

掩映在陸地一側林木中的是地杰(Deetjen’s),一家列入《美國國家史跡名錄》(National Register of Historic Places)的1930年代小旅館,一系列烏木結構的薄墻房子,內部房間風格迥異。在幾次入住的其中一次領取的旅館地圖,如今已在我的家中裱起;這次我預定的房間有一間共享的門廳浴室、一張雙人床和廚房水槽。在餐廳用完晚餐后,我躺下翻開了客人可以在上面留言的房間手賬。近期的一條來自一位年長男子,他寫下了獨自前來一個從未到過的州感到“既害怕又興奮”,他說對這個地方一無所知。他還說在茶壺里留了一個大麻煙卷。我抬頭向上看,瞧見它在壁架上。當我打開時,發現里面塞滿了寫著各種心愿的紙條。

I SET MY ALARM FOR MIDNIGHT. I drove, in the dark, down the 1 to Esalen, a nonprofit institute with workshops and lodging that opens its cliffside hot springs to anyone who books one of the limited $35 spots online fast enough when same-day registration opens at 9 a.m. The thing is: The spots are only available from 1 to 3 in the morning. The process of waiting by the side of the road and being rounded up and registered and led onto the property was not particularly warm or welcoming. But in the clothing-optional, open-air stone tubs, where the lighting is very dim and the crash of the waves far below is loud, the feel of it did melt off some as I soaked, breathing in eucalyptus, salt, redwood, pine.<紐約時報中英文網 http://www.gwbyzx.live/>

我把鬧鐘定到半夜12點。駕車在黑暗中沿1號公路向南開到伊莎蘭(Esalen),一個有工作坊和住宿的非營利學院。它位于峭壁邊的溫泉任何人都可以享用,只要你能在當天早9點開放登記時快速在網上預定到它的35美元限量浴缸。問題是:浴場只在凌晨1點至凌晨3點開放。在路邊等候,隨后被集攏到一起去登記然后被領入浴場的過程可不是特別溫暖或熱情。但在這里衣裸隨意的石頭浴缸里,燈光幽幽照著,遠處的下方傳來波濤撞擊的巨響,那種感覺的確會融化掉一些不適,我浸泡著,空氣中滿是桉樹、鹽、紅杉和松樹的氣息。

I opted for a daylight version of the same view — ocean forever — on the giant deck at Café Kevah for breakfast the next morning. I could talk for hours about what I did as I continued south that day: stopped at the 80-foot, roadside McWay Falls. Stood in an exhibit on Pelton wheels (a type of water turbine) at Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park. I took the steep and mildly dangerous footpath down to an abandoned beach at Ragged Point Inn and Resort and decided to strip down to my underwear and plunge into the sea. I pulled off the side of the highway to watch, with a group of other travelers, a pod of dolphins apparently mating below.

我選擇了這同一片景致的白天版本——永遠的大海——次日早晨在咖普拜咖啡館(Café Kevah)的巨大露臺上用早餐。對于那天接著往南做了些什么,我可以說上好幾個小時:在路邊80英尺高的麥克威瀑布(McWay Falls)旁駐足;在茱莉婭·菲佛·伯恩斯州立公園(Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park)看了佩爾頓輪(一種水輪機)展覽;在崎嶇點酒店度假村(Ragged Point Inn and Resort)沿著陡峭且略顯兇險的步道向下走到一片廢棄的海灘,然后決定脫到只剩內褲,一頭扎進海里。之后,我在公路旁側停下車,和其他游客一起,觀看下面一群顯然在交配的海豚。

At a beach near Point Piedras Blancas, hundreds of elephant seals were lying around or playing, some of them 16 feet long and 5,000 pounds. I waved at Hearst Castle as I passed it, high on the hill to my left — a place I did visit with my parents, where the tiles of the Roman pool room glitter with real gold. I witnessed a 600-foot, 23 million-year-old volcanic remnant, visible for 10 miles, rising in the distance in Morro Bay. I parked at the foot of it, where otters were floating around in the water right in front of me, their little hands rubbing their faces, rubbing their chests, holding each other as they tumbled, a stuffed-animal dream come to life.

在彼德拉斯布蘭卡斯角附近的一處海灘上,數百只象海豹或躺著或嬉耍,其中一些身長近5米,重達2噸多。經過赫斯特城堡的時候,我沖它揮手致意,它位于我左邊的高山上——我和父母去過那里,那里的羅馬室內泳池的瓷磚金光閃閃。我看到一座180多米高、2300萬年前的火山遺跡,隔著十五六公里開外的距離,都能看到它從莫羅灣升起。我把車停在它的腳下,水獺就在我面前的水面游來游去,它們的小手在自己的臉上、胸上揉擦,翻滾的時候擁抱在一起,仿佛一個毛絨玩具有了生命一般。

Plans change. Landscapes change. Perilously, climates change.

計劃在變。風景在變。危險的是,氣候也在變。

BEFORE THIS TRIP, THE LAST TIME I had been on the 1 was three springs ago, revisiting with my then husband, after we had moved away from the Bay. One morning, I found myself alone behind the wheel at a sharp curve in Big Sur with a strong enough urge to drive off it that I realized I needed to change my life. Within a year, I had separated. Within another, I was finalizing plans to move again, to find my way back, to the state.

在這次旅行之前,我最后一次走1號公路是三年前的事情,跟我當時的丈夫故地重游——那時我們已經搬離了灣區。一天早上,我發現自己正一個人開著車,走在大蘇爾的一處急轉彎,心里有一股沖下海崖的強烈沖動,我意識到需要改變自己的生活。不到一年,我們分居了。又過了一年,我終于計劃再次搬家,回去,回到加州。

It wasn’t just how you could die in California, on a famous bridge, that my father had taught me almost exactly 25 years ago. It was also how you could live. “Lot of gays here,” he had said our first morning in San Francisco, over breakfast in the hotel restaurant. I’d wondered, heart racing, if he had brought it up because he had seen two men holding hands on the sidewalk outside the window next to our table; trying not to leap out of my chair to look, I asked how he knew that. Both of my parents sort of shrugged. Everybody knows that.

我回去不僅是因為在加州,你可以在一座著名的大橋上死去——那是幾乎剛好25年前,我父親教給我的。也是因為在這里,你可以如何去生活。“這里好多同性戀,”有天早上,我們在舊金山入住的酒店的餐廳吃早餐時,他說道。我的心怦怦直跳,在想他說這句話是不是因為,他從我們臨窗的桌子看見外面的人行道上有兩個男人牽著手走過去;我盡量克制住從椅子上跳起來看的沖動,我問他是怎么知道的。我的父母只是聳了聳肩。每個人都知道。

It turned out to be my place for sanctuary, too. When I moved here in my late 20s, I drank too much, and built a career I barely could have dreamed, and got evicted by tech workers and had the time of my life and had to fight for it, too. Moving back a few months ago, in my late 30s, not just queer but also openly trans, I was new but rooted in a place that is capable of holding so much complexity. That expands the definitions of what’s worthwhile, building and maintaining a road on an ever-shifting stretch at an edge of the world. That is harsh and precarious and utterly nourishing. That understands how a person or a tree or a planet can be simultaneously burned out and voraciously alive; that gender can be a construct, and a spectrum, and a death sentence. That my path here was switchbacked but perfect, and that you don’t have to be born someplace for it to be home.

原來,這里也是我的庇護所。我在快30歲的時候搬到這里,我喝酒喝太兇,有了一個自己過去不敢夢想的事業,被涌入的科技業人士趕到別的地方住,度過了生命中最快樂的時光,也不得不為之奮斗。幾個月前我回到這里,人近40,不僅是同性戀,而且還是一個公開的跨性別者,我是一個新人,但扎根于一個可以包容如此的復雜性的地方。這擴展了價值的定義,并且在世界邊緣不斷變化的路段修建、養護著一條公路。它艱苦,危險,又給人以滋養。它理解一個人、一棵樹或者一個星球在被燒毀的同時,也可以貪婪地活著;它理解性別可以是一個構建,一個譜系,一種死刑。我在這里的道路充滿曲折但完美,你不必非要以你出生的地方為家。

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